Wearing perfume and cologne to the gym is beyond me. I rarely wear it in real life let alone when I know I’m going to get sweaty and gross. I guess I can understand if it’s in the afternoon or after work, you’ve already done real life things, gotten dressed for the day…etc. but today I was on the elliptical next to a guy named, for the sake of discretion we’ll call him Larry.

Larry comes to the gym around 8:15am, he’s in great shape, pretty good looking, wears all the ‘right stuff’ to workout in, he carries a water bottle (BPA free of course) full of what looks like a protein shake, he listens to an I-pod all the time, and then this morning he hoped on the elliptical next to me. Back up a moment, I’ve seen him at the gym before—in fact I usually smell him before I actually see him. At 8:15am he’s already bathed in what I imagine is some knock off version of some really expensive cologne.

Now I can only imagine a few scenarios in which it would be appropriate to be wearing perfume this early in the morning:

A.) You had a fantastic date the night before, spent the night somewhere random but HAD to get up in the morning for a workout. (in this case I expect nothing less than sex hair, runny make-up and a BIG grin on your face from all the romping you had the night before.)

B.) Your significant other said you smelled really bad from your workout last night and chased you out of the house with a spritzer bottle full of flowery/citrusy scents. (Even this is hard to justify. I go to bed after a work out and then work out again in the morning and don’t feel the need to bath in flowers before sweating again. But alas, I AM still single…)

C.) You ate a lot of veggies and beans the night before and anticipate farting through out your entire gym experience. (Gross. Just gross that you plan on this happening, and gross that you think that cologne will in any way shape or form cover up your nasty farts.)

D.) You don’t wear perfume. You naturally smell like rushing waves from Hawaii with a soft note of coconut and undertones of sandalwood.

Which one do you think I think Larry thinks? (does that make sense? Read it again.) DING DING DING! C. C is what I think Larry thinks is the correct answer. Now, to continue on with my experience of elliptizing next to Larry—first the cologne, then the farts (I should have followed the girl on the other side of him and just left within the first 10 minutes. But I had to get my work out on so I endured.)

So I mentioned that Larry is in good shape, right? Well, it must be due to his elliptical technique—I’ve never in my life seen someone go as fast or as intense as him. Watching him out of the corner of my eye I noticed his hunched over stance (no bueno,) and fast moving arms, pumping along with his fast music. Now, it’s great to go fast on the elliptical but one must be aware of facial expressions, flatulence, sweat drippage and noises coming from your face.

Larry is completely oblivious to these things. I hate to say this on, what I think of as a [mostly] family friendly blog, but I can’t help but wonder what Larry is like in the bedroom. The veins bulging from his forehead and his intensely focused energy lead my mind curious and wondering who is wife is and how she deals with the farts, amazing amounts of sweat dripping on what’s beneath him, at that moment is was the elliptical.

Lesson of this story is I guess don’t wear cologne or perfume to the gym. That’s all. And maybe don’t go on the elliptical next to me and fart and then make me think about sex. That was a weird and confused train of thought I had while Al Rocher and Anne Curry gave me my soft news report this morning.

PS: Sorry for the lack of pictures, WordPress is being annoying and not letting me upload.