That Bullshit, Non-Existent, Right Time

Come on Sloan, get your shit together. 

I’ve avoided wordpress for some time now. I haven’t completely avoided writing, or speaking, or life, I’ve just avoided this particular site due to wanting to do it right. You would think that I’d have learned by now, there is no RIGHT way to do things. Things aren’t just going to happen, We have to work for them. And right never really comes. If we can do something perfectly the first time, why bother?

I worked hard on a couple essays last month and actually read them. In front of people. Those hours I spent in front of the screen prove that work pays off, I didn’t wait to work, I just did it. We get applause and encouragement when we make that effort and not only that, we get results.

Right now I’ve started back in school. I did school once, graduated with a BA, learned some stuff, had a few jobs, learned what I DON’T want. This school is not traditional school, not at a college or university. I’m spending the next six months (minus 2 weeks) in the basement of a big office building, in the gym. These past two weeks I have learned what the Rectus Abdominus is, and what a joint action is and which direction they go with what movement.

I finally pulled the trigger to learn how to be a personal trainer. I have wanted to do this for close to eight years. When I look back at myself eight years ago I was in college, I was running 30 miles a week, I looked fit and healthy. Probably weighed a few dozen pounds less than I do now. Why didn’t I do it then? Fear, lack of confidence and knowing I wasn’t practicing what I would be preaching…

Why am I doing it now??! Not because I had an epiphany, not because the time is right. my life has never really lacked direction–it’s always pointed me in the ways of: Writing, Travel, Fitness, Education, a direction I just didn’t really know how to harness. A direction that I lacked confidence in.

I’m not skinny. I USED to be, I USED to be REALLY skinny. Well, kinda too skinny thinking back. So skinny that I was proud of myself on days that I was under my allotted 900 calorie goal. PROUD of starvation. Gross. I knew I was doing it wrong but I got results, as a former fat-girl every pound lost was a victory. This was not the mentality of a successful trainer and I knew that. So I held off.

As years and pounds added up I wanted to wait until it was the ‘right time’. When I could fit back into those smaller jeans, when I could run a faster mile, and like the reflection a bitmore–those goals haven’t happened and I finally decided that I was sick of waiting for that bullshit, non-existent, right time. The time is now.

I’m not skinny, but I’m healthy. I’m healthy and excited about making other people healthy and excited. Honestly, my body confidence is low right now, but in the past two weeks I’m learning, I’m studying, I took a test today and I think (I HOPE) I did well. I’m going through a program that is going to boost my knowledge and by having that knowledge I can only imagine that my confidence will grow.

What’s held you back? What propelled you forward when you knew you needed to make that move? Where are you now?

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A Conversation With Myself

At about 1:35 every week day morning I’m relived when I wake up and look at my watch. I think “Thank god, I still have three and half more hours to sleep.” I get up, go to the bathroom and quickly drift back to whatever dream I was in the middle of. Then at about 4:48 I wake up again, “Damnit, why can’t you just sleep until it’s time to get up?” I drift back only to be awakened fifteen minutes later by my alarm that I set sometime yesterday for 5:03am. I leap, literally leap because the buzzing scares me, out of bed, grab my phone and some how in my sleepy stupor make it quiet. I crawl back into bed and lay there hugging my phone like I’m trying to shush a baby that has been crying.

“Just stay in bed, it’s fine, you’ll go after work.”

“No, no, no. Get your ass up. You KNOW you’ll feel better.”

“Take today off. Don’t even worry about it.”

“Get up NOW. You know you won’t do it later.”

 

Ultimately, the angelic voice of reason wins and I roll out of bed, shut off my other alarms, grab and apple and drive to the gym. I literally have this conversation with myself EVERY MORNING. I’ve yet to give in. I’m at the gym by 5:20am latest and have realized that this is the perfect time to be there. The woman at the front desk laughs at the mop of curls on my head that I haven’t yet bother to tame in a pony tail, I nod ‘hello’ to the two women in their 50’s counting the calories tick away on the treadmill. I awkwardly try to not get in the way of the Mexican dude that seems to be on a mission to make his pecs bigger while rocking a flat billed hat tilted to the left, (I mean really, who has time to think about accessories when you’re getting to the gym by 5:30??) This is the time for me to zone out, focus on me and get my self set and ready for the day.

By 6:05 the parking lot is full and the people who hit ‘snooze’ are showing up. The pregnant woman walks the track, two middle aged guys throw around a basketball and I put down my weights and hit the elliptical for a few more minutes before heading home in the still glowing moonlight.   By 6:25 I’m in and out of the shower and making breakfast.

I’m never mad that I made it to the gym. I’ve had thoughts of turning the car around and crawling back into bed for another hour but then I know how angry I would be at myself. I’m a routine person, I’m learning that with this sort of routine I tend to succeed in more areas of my life, I smile more, I laugh more, I feel better and accomplish more. As much as I love and still am spontaneous I’m appreciating what I have right now and developing some habits that I know will help me accomplish even more in the long run.

The Battle

I start to sweat. My normally low blood pressure rises and my heart pounds even when my body is not working that hard. I get anxious and stressed out. Running, swimming and hitting the gym don’t do that.

I have such a love hate relationship with mountain biking. It’s a battle. A battle with Logic. Logic is the cautious side of my brain. The side that generally wins because she’s in control, she calm and cool. Logic fights with Competition, the side that peaks her evil head out rarely, but when she does she makes me uneasy. But that side also tells me to push harder, faster, further and makes me do things out of my comfort zone.

Logic tells me to stay on the easy double track; no rocks, roots or puddles to trip me up and knock me down. Then Competition chimes in and yells for her to shut the eff up, to go for it, to get uncomfortable and challenge not only my body, but my mind—basically my entire body: Mind, Body and Soul are put on edge during a ride.

 

I love and hate this so much. But yet I continue to do it—so it must be good.