How To Not Write

The things you’ll need:

Notebook or computer

Any time to yourself

Brilliant ideas

An interesting life

A vocabulary as big as an encyclopedia

When beginning to not write, you must gather all of the above items and concepts. Organize them, re-organize them, and then organize them one other way just to be sure. You may find this frustrating and need to take a break, please do. Once you’ve sipped on a La Croix and scrolled through social media for an hour head back to the items. Reorganize and over think how you probably did it right the first time. Set everything back to how it was and sit down. 

Now you’re ready to brainstorm some thoughts and feelings in your notebook. Doodle in the margins and begin thwapping your pen on the desk. Open another La Croix. 

I’ve had a lot of La Croix lately. Paumplemousse is my favorite if you want to send me a case. But I do have a back log of a few pieces I’ve worked on, and plan on working on. And just want to post, because, why the fuck not? Thanks for reading!


Rage Run

I’ve always run to feel normal. Running became an equalizer for me. I didn’t run to feel good. I didn’t run to beat myself up. I didn’t only run for the calorie burn or the elusive ‘high’ we runners speak of. I ran to feel level. Balance. Dare I say I ran to feel “normal”–whatever ‘normal’ means.

Lately, as in the last 4 years, running has been more stress inducing that stress relieving. Injuries, weight gain, gait changes, lack of trails, lack of sidewalks, trails covered in snow and ice… whatever it is. Running has been a source of stress because I’m not as fast as I used to be. I’m can’t run as far as a could. Winter time has been a time for me to rehab my hip, lift weights, and get strong. This means more time at the gym and less time outside.

But some days you just have to run. Friday I had been worked up. Angry. Pissed off and unable to change the current situation in any satisfying way. I didn’t want to be inside angerly lifting weights (is that even possible?), I didn’t want to ride a spin bike, I didn’t want to do a yoga flow in my living room. I needed a rage run.

So at 6:30 pm (if you know me at all, you know I don’t run in the evening, especially after work), I laced up my shoes, I found some reflective gear, and I rage ran. 90’s hip hop in my ears, I ran against traffic because the sidewalks were/are covered in feet of snow. I ran, one foot in front of the other and controlled what I could. I kept going. With every step I felt less heavy, a little less angry, and a little more focused and in this one moment. This moment of snow, of ice, of starring down headlights of cars that are not looking for a runner in the street on a snowy Friday afternoon.

So people joke about “only running when I’m being chased by something”, well, I was doing the chasing. I was running them down. I was letting out the frustrations of the day and not letting the demons chase me, I ran ’em down first.

I Beat Myself Up for Beating Myself UP

All I can think about lately is how bad I am at this meditation thing. While I’m meditating I’m thinking about how I’m glad I’m doing it, how I get to send my little group a “done!” text, and that hopefully with time I’ll be the meditation guru that I’ve hoped I would become. I try to remember to pay attention to what I’m doing, like Andy says, be present when you stand. When you sit. Remembering to do this twice or even once per day is a huge success! I fail all day at that. I remember only when I sit down the next day to meditate and scream “DAMN IT! I was supposed to do that!” And then I think about how bad I continue to be at this whole ‘mindfulness thing’.

Managing Anxiety is the package I’ve chosen. Andy tells us that we have to learn to re-frame our relationship with anxiety. Instead of letting it define us, learn to work with it. (Damn, Andy sounds a lot like my old therapist…) But instead of saying “I am an anxious person”, say “I am someone that deals with anxiety”. Don’t let it own you, you are not anxiety.

During my meditations I beat myself up, a lot. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up–it’s a terrible vicious circle and it doesn’t really seem to work. But I continue to do it, I continue to try and learn and take these lessons to heart, and I guess by writing about it I want you guys to know that a little bit can and does help.

I’ve started to notice a few things:
-after a long day at work I had plans. Plans that involved a sick kid, decorating a Christmas tree, and whatever else goes along with that. But I NEEDED a minute before going from smiling barista, to smiling girlfriend… So I laid on my couch, boots, jacket, scarf, and hat all still on and I laid there and took like 20 deep breaths. Those few moments were for ME. Well, and for them because without those moments I think I would have snapped, gotten mad, or annoyed.
-often times at my retail job we have less than pleasant customers; I have yet to beat anyone up, yell at them back, or walk out on my shift–I’ll attribute some of that to meditation, some to my amazing ability to hold myself back from stupidity.
-I ran long and hard yesterday… my 4 mile trail run turned into almost 9 miles of bushwhacking and being lost in the woods. I was going to go run, lift, or both this morning–however, my body HURTS. So instead I did some slow moving, deep stretching yoga. That in itself was a meditation.

Anyway, long story short–meditation is never perfect. It’s not stopped me from wanting to drop kick the puppy that lives in the apartment below me…(I haven’t and I WON’T–but the barking, so much barking…) But it is helping in some small, slow ways. And for that alone I’m going to keep it up.


Here’s a photo before I realized what kind of adventure I was going to end up on… It’s called Top of the World and that is our beautiful Lake Superior there!