Ten Little Minutes

Why are days off the hardest?

When I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, they generally have to ask me “so, how many jobs do you have now?” I have to respond with a silly answer, “like a zillion”. However, that’s not true, I do not have “a zillion jobs,” currently I have three…ish. Four? Three that I pay taxes on. We’ll go with that.

So I have today off. A random Thursday to do whatever I want. Now, if that statement doesn’t stress you out, then I am jealous. So far today I have: Slept in, (however my alarm was going off and I kept hitting snooze and was feeling really bad about it), I made coffee, I started a new book, I meditated.

Meditated. Trying to be consistent with this is a new thing for me. In a fury of panic I re-downloaded the Headspace app, I paid for a year long subscription, and committed myself (and also recruited others via a group text, let me know if you want to join. It’s like a support group for women who are bad at meditating) to meditating 10 minutes a day. Ten minutes. It’s nothing. It’s the time I take to take a shower. Ten little minutes

I am on day 10 of 30 of the “Managing Anxiety” package in the program and I think I’m getting worse.

Going into my ten minutes I sit there and think of all of the things I need to get done after I check “Meditation” off my growing to do list. And when Andy, if you get the app, you’ll meet Andy, tells me that a wondering mind is okay. Acknowledge the thought, say Hi!, and move on. However, after I say Hi! to that thought more come in. And then my mind wanders to how bad I am at this, and it’s only ten minutes, monks do this for hours and days on end. Why oh why are ten little minutes so hard. Why is this couch cushion hard all of the sudden? What podcast should I listen to when I go to the gym? I should write about how hard this is because people will relate and blogging is about relating to people! People, omg people can be so annoying, customers actually, most customers at work are just annoying. I wonder if I’m an annoying customer when I go shopping, though I generally just keep to myself, rehang all the clothes for the people actually working at the store I’m shopping at because I KNOW the difficulties–…“and now just let your mind go, let it wander where ever it wants to…”

Shit. I was supposed to be meditating. What does my mind want to think about…



“and now bring your focus back to the breath…”
…shit. Mother fucker, I forgot I was supposed to be breathing.

…And they tell me that this is why I need to meditate.

Writing

I write best when I’m lying in bed trying to sleep.
Or taking a shower.
Or when I’m having a conversation with… anyone really. I loose my attention, I zone out, form witty, funny sentences that I imagine my 10s of readers will enjoy.

And then I sit down to write. And it’s gone, it’s lost and forgotten. It will probably never return again, until I’m slightly buzzed and drifting off to sleep. Sometimes when I’m shaving my legs I make myself laugh with how hilarious I am. I rinse still thinking about it, towel off and put on lotion–my hands still slick with Lubraderm I sit to write it down and BOOM, it’s gone. Just like that. Out of my head, left me to go find someone who will take this thing more seriously.

Take this thing more seriously… I suppose I should get a waterproof notebook, one I can keep in my pocket at all times. Though, I rarely have pockets, I wear a lot of leggings and athletic pants. And have you SEEN the pockets on women’s jeans?! PLEASE! They hardly hold a nickle let alone my favorite Moleskin journal! And what pocket are we talking about if I’m in the shower… get outta there!

Okay. Time to get distracted so maybe I can focus on writing more.

Radio Voice

I’m an introvert that loves public speaking, is in sales, and volunteers to MC at events. I was on TV last week. I just got off the radio 10 minutes ago; that was my second radio ‘appearance’ this week.

First off: let’s make sure everyone knows what at introvert is.

INTROVERT:
>An introvert prefers to spend time alone in order to recharge their inner being. An introvert may appear to be shy to others, but that is not necessarily an accurate label.

I’m not SHY, I just get really tired after I have to be social. I know MANY people who are the same way, so please don’t argue with me if you know me in real life. Us introverts, we gather energy away from all you other people. We drive around without the radio on after having to talk all day, we put headphones in at the gym with no music on just so no one will talk to us, we come home to a book and tea after work before we head out to go get drinks with a small group of close friends. We do that to make sure we have enough energy for the voice, for the people, for the social interactions that we want to be present for.

Anyway. I’ve been in sales my entire adult life–which is profession that a lot of extroverts flock to. Sometimes, when I’m sale-ing at work, or when I’ve done TV spots, or radio gigs–I hear myself. I float above my body and I listen to what is coming out of my mouth. It’s all real, it’s all genuine, but it’s in that voice. You know the one; you can literally hear the smile. Kinda bull-shitty, kinda not. You like the person you’re listening to, but you can kinda almost sense the self loathing, the what the fuck am I doing with my life, what did I do to deserve this exactly moment? That voice that is getting the point across, impressing less intuitive people, selling the product, getting the signature… that voice.

No? Okay. I guess it’s just me.