Ten Little Minutes

Why are days off the hardest?

When I see someone I haven’t seen in a while, they generally have to ask me “so, how many jobs do you have now?” I have to respond with a silly answer, “like a zillion”. However, that’s not true, I do not have “a zillion jobs,” currently I have three…ish. Four? Three that I pay taxes on. We’ll go with that.

So I have today off. A random Thursday to do whatever I want. Now, if that statement doesn’t stress you out, then I am jealous. So far today I have: Slept in, (however my alarm was going off and I kept hitting snooze and was feeling really bad about it), I made coffee, I started a new book, I meditated.

Meditated. Trying to be consistent with this is a new thing for me. In a fury of panic I re-downloaded the Headspace app, I paid for a year long subscription, and committed myself (and also recruited others via a group text, let me know if you want to join. It’s like a support group for women who are bad at meditating) to meditating 10 minutes a day. Ten minutes. It’s nothing. It’s the time I take to take a shower. Ten little minutes

I am on day 10 of 30 of the “Managing Anxiety” package in the program and I think I’m getting worse.

Going into my ten minutes I sit there and think of all of the things I need to get done after I check “Meditation” off my growing to do list. And when Andy, if you get the app, you’ll meet Andy, tells me that a wondering mind is okay. Acknowledge the thought, say Hi!, and move on. However, after I say Hi! to that thought more come in. And then my mind wanders to how bad I am at this, and it’s only ten minutes, monks do this for hours and days on end. Why oh why are ten little minutes so hard. Why is this couch cushion hard all of the sudden? What podcast should I listen to when I go to the gym? I should write about how hard this is because people will relate and blogging is about relating to people! People, omg people can be so annoying, customers actually, most customers at work are just annoying. I wonder if I’m an annoying customer when I go shopping, though I generally just keep to myself, rehang all the clothes for the people actually working at the store I’m shopping at because I KNOW the difficulties–…“and now just let your mind go, let it wander where ever it wants to…”

Shit. I was supposed to be meditating. What does my mind want to think about…

“and now bring your focus back to the breath…”
…shit. Mother fucker, I forgot I was supposed to be breathing.

…And they tell me that this is why I need to meditate.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s