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Freedom At 2am

/ Sloan / Leave a comment

Thinking about going outside, in the dark, alone, is intimidating. Flashing lights, blinking red reflectors, unseeable terrain ahead I take a deep breath and strap on my helmet.

I’ve rode bikes on wooded trail with a headlamp strapped to the top of my head, racing against the clock and pushing my teammates up the next switch back or following them down the final hill to the end of a race, or the end of that stage in the race. These moments were hard mentally and physically but I never once hesitated. I just did it.

Now, here in Chicago, I tend to linger at the bar after work a little bit longer. I have to psych myself up to re-attach my front wheel, unlock my U-lock that keeps the frame safe from crooks and I have to take a deep breath when I put the blinking lights on my handlebars and as I climb into the saddle I’m truly a bit afraid. It’s dark, kinda cold, the air is now damp and there’s a slight breeze that never seems to cease from Lake Michigan–I both love and hate that cool push of air.

But once I’m in the seat, once I begin peddling I forget that fear. There are fewer cars, the adrenaline doesn’t need to flow as hard as it does during the day; freedom is ahead and I’m rolling towards it self propelled and on two wheels. A ride home at 2am is a ride through a city that not everyone gets to see. It’s a quiet and calm city that during the day is rushed and stressed but at 2am she’s serene and relaxed. At 2am she bears her soul to those that will listen.

Freedom awaits at a 2am ride, however every time I have to saddle up and go I’m scared. It takes me a while to convince myself to go, but I always do and I never regret the silent moments we have.

The Best Date

/ Sloan / 1 Comment

I’ve been with this person for years, we’ve been through just about everything someone can go through. We’ve seen happy moments, tragic moments, excitement and disappointment. We’ll never part ways, that I’m sure. I think I’ve found ‘the one’. So last week I treated with a day long date.

I took myself on a date in Chicago.

It started out with a lovely morning of tea and my book. After dressing in an outfit that made me feel beautiful and colorful I took myself out for a long walk. We strolled for a few miles through my neighborhood and eventually crossed a bridge that took me into Logan Square. Window shopping along the way I enjoyed my thoughts and evaluated my feelings on living in Chicago for just over a month. While I ate lunch outside I focused on the meal and people watched as they walked by with dogs on leashes, boyfriends clutching hands and children grasping onto a mother’s hip. I was happy to be in just the company of myself, no responsibility or obligation for the day, it was my day–I took that moment to remind myself where I was and how for the first time in my life I felt like I am here.

I’m not three years ago when I was in my early 20’s, in college and basically care free. I’m not two months from now when I take a trip to Oregon or next year when I dream to be able to buy a ticket abroad. I’m not wishing I was somewhere else. I am here. Finally understanding the term that I’ve heard Baron Baptiste say many times–

“Be now here or be nowhere”

It makes sense. Life is right now–it’s not when something else happens, its in this moment appreciating what you have. I know I’m not the first to be understanding this, but I feel like it’s finally hitting home for me. I think appreciating yourself is a top priority in life–taking care of those you love and figuring out how to be in the moment is the key to a happy existence.

My day continued on with a trip to Trader Joe’s where I purchased three items for myself: a bottle of wine, chocolate and flowers. The cashier promptly noticed and said “Well, this is a fun combination.” It was then that I realized I was on a date.

After an afternoon matinée and another long walk home in the brisk fall weather the day was nearing an end. Each moment brought new light to my life here in Chicago. As I continue to live HERE I’m loving each moment for something different–I’m here, no where else and that is how I’m beginning to really be happy.

Finally.

/ Sloan / 1 Comment

What have I been doing besides writing?

Most days I get up and hang with my roommates for an hour before strapping on my helmet to
dodge cars, pot holes and fleeting green lights. Most days I serve craft beers, artfully constructed cocktails and food that was plated with intention rather than haste.
Some days I have a few too many of those beers after work.
Most days I practice yoga in my living room, run through the park that is two blocks away and most days my run is a struggle but I still get it done so I can learn each street corner, where the drinking fountains are and which city blocks to avoid.
What have I been doing besides writing?
Most days I walk to the Mexican grocery store and dance to the mariachi music as I shop for heads of broccoli and almond milk. Most days I text my friend who lives half a mile away about dinner plans for the evening. Most days I wake up with out an alarm.
Some days I feverishly free write in my journal and read until I fall asleep with glasses on and book smooshed on my face.
What am I doing besides writing?
Most days I think about it while I’m watching some rerun on basic cable. Most days I feel inspired while surfing YouTube clips of Spoken Word and slam poetry. Most days, I have to admit, I don’t try.
Some days I write the perfect poem in my head while dodging rain drops on my bike only to forget them by the time I have pen and paper in my hand. Some days I long for life overseas and the simplicity of it.
Most days I’m trying. Some days I’m losing the battle. Most days, now a days, I’m winning.

What am I doing besides writing? I think I’m finally living.