run

Be

/ Sloan / Leave a comment

[Eventually I will write about what I’ve been DOING in Thailand, not just how I’ve been feeling. However, I have been feeling a lot here and that is what I have been inspired to write about. Adventures have been happening and will be told. Don’t you worry]

 

 

 

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            5:02am comes early. As 5:55am rolls around I finish my coffee, say goodbye to conversations I would like to continue and I put on my running shoes. Heading to the park it’s still dark but I can see the lights ahead. I focus on getting to the waterfall of light the street lamps create. While I’m in the light I can see nothing else, just the small space the street lamp floods, a 10 foot circumference around me, which I pass through in a second, back into the darkness where I can’t even see my feet, just the circles of light ahead and a memory of them behind.

            While I’m running I think about where I am. I think about my attempts at being present. I think about how being in Thailand has forced me into really focusing on where I am and who I am and how I want to learn and grow: mentally, physically, and spiritually.  Each time I step under a light I imagine that there is nothing beyond it and nothing behind it. I am in the light and I am nowhere else.

            Even though I know that I just passed a Buddhist temple that was build 1000 years ago (that blows my mind just to type it) and ahead of me are more wats (temples) that are just as old, there is also a dog that is waiting to bark at me and a truck of a fellow runner parked by the gate—but I am in the light and no where else. Focusing on that 10 foot circumference, focusing on Thailand while I am in Thailand, is hard. Noticing the light, enjoying being able to see clearly in the light is something I am practicing daily. Failing at it some days, but also succeeding at it in other moments.

            I will keep getting up early, I will keep running, I will keep moving in the light.

 

 

I Don’t Want To Post This.

/ Sloan / Leave a comment

While riding my motorbike I often tell myself that I am fearless. I am not afraid of anything. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want and I am not scared. Fear will not take over my body when I see a spider, snake or stand on the edge of a cliff. I can generally logically talk myself out of that fear and walk by ignoring the creature or jump off that cliff.

People are saying that fear, discomfort, manifest themselves in other places. If you don’t nod your head to it, you don’t say hey every once and awhile it may pop out and say hey to your body in other ways. Maybe a big pimple on your chin with surface, perhaps you’ll begin to get headaches or your nails will begin to be weak and crack. Who knows, every body is different, every fear is different—but, apparently not acknowledging this fear isn’t so good for your health.

I’m writing this blog post full of fear. Fear for my health: both physically and mentally I have been shaken. It sounds stupid, it sounds really kind of lame but I have been unable to run for three days. I want to run today—but I won’t. I don’t even want to be writing this because it makes the situation more real. I’m nodding my head at pain and giving in, instead of ignoring the snake on the porch and walking by I am that childlike girl with a fear, jumping up and down screaming for a prince to save her from the slithering creature.

I know what happens when I am unable to have my daily endorphin high. I either eat so much that I gain weight, or I go to bed before dinner, I move my food around on my plate at lunch and I drink a lot of coffee for breakfast. I lose 5 pounds of muscle in two weeks or I gain 10 pounds, either way I cry every night. Running isn’t just about running, it’s about balance.

I have the word B A L A N C E tattooed on my ribcage to remind me that that is what is key in life—finding a balance between everything. It’s something I’ve been searching for forever, I think we all probably are. For me, running helps that. It not only keeps me healthy but it gives me a sense of accomplishment with every mile I put on my shoes, I solve the worlds problems with every lap I do, I think about things an process. It’s the reason I wake at 5am every morning; I go to bed looking forward to coffee first, then a run. Especially here in Thailand, running through the historical park has been something that has kept me from falling far down a rabbit hole of being overwhelmed and unhappy. This ‘balance keeper’ has been taken away from me and I’m scared. I’m really really scared.

 

There. I said it. It’s out in the universe, I give it to the universe and hope for some energy to have the strength to heal. Energy to have the strength to not fall into a bad place. Energy to feel good and perhaps find a replacement for the next week or two while I search deep inside myself for that balance that I usually find on the road or trail in my shoes.

 

I’m still scared. This fear, having and admitting this fear terrifies me.

La Fuerza de la Eneria

/ Sloan / 4 Comments

I remember when I was in Chile, as an exchange student in high school, contributing to a conversation in class about energia. I think we were talking about life after death, souls, heaven, hell—I probably didn’t understand most of the conversation but my contribution in Spanish was La energia no se puede distruir ni crear…siempre exsite. Energy can’t be created or destroyed, it always exists. I think this was my way of being spiritually awakened at age 17—not knowing (still not knowing) what I believe about life and death and souls and spirits. But I do know that I believe in energy; especially the power and effect of positive energy.

 

I decided earlier this week that I was going to run my longest run yet and practice running in the hotness of the day—I need to train in the heat for prepare for the race in February. After chatting with a friend last night about my hopes for today’s run I asked her to send some positive energy my way around 10:30am, about an hour after I planned on beginning, right when I knew I would need it. She agreed and said she’d send it for sure!

9:15 and I was sweating before I could tie my shoes. This week in Thailand has been unbelievably hot and humid—perfect for heat and humidity training I suppose but difficult to stay hydrated even when I’m not running. My run was to consist of two five-mile loops (I think it’s a five mile loop…) first one I finished no problem; it’s my normal daily run. Embarking on the second loop I could feel my legs and sweat glands working extra hard, I was dreaming of the Gu and water bottle I stashed two miles from where I was. Gummy mouth and energy waning, I needed some water and a few calories.

As I started a bit of down hill I began to feel a bit better, I knew I was getting closer to my hydration, I also looked at my watch and it was 10:31. I smiled and knew my friend was sending me the energy that I needed at that exact moment. I reached my bottle and Gu and kept going trying to hone in on this feeling of feeling okay, not great but not horrible.

As I reached one of my favorite temple ruins I saw a group of 5 monks dressed in gold sitting in the grass facing a group of Thai Buddhist wearing white—they were meditating, creating energy for themselves and appreciating the day. I was feeling a bit needy and mentally asked them for some energy—I had another 30 minutes of this run to get through and needed all the help I could get. At this point I had stopped sweating and was beginning to feel chilled, not the best sign when it’s 98 degrees and I was only able to hold down half the gel and a few sips of water. I asked and took the energy, I’d like to think they knew they were helping the farang though the hot run.

I finished strong. I walked the last 500 meters to my apartment door and smiled at what I had just experienced. Not only my longest run in Thailand but the power of the mind and focus it takes to decide to set out and do something. I don’t know if the energy literally came my way—I’m saying it did, and it helped. And believing in the energy doesn’t hurt…so spread it, share it, give it, receive and appreciate it.

Post run energy--coffee yen!

Post run energy–coffee yen!