I Don’t Want To Post This.

While riding my motorbike I often tell myself that I am fearless. I am not afraid of anything. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want and I am not scared. Fear will not take over my body when I see a spider, snake or stand on the edge of a cliff. I can generally logically talk myself out of that fear and walk by ignoring the creature or jump off that cliff.

People are saying that fear, discomfort, manifest themselves in other places. If you don’t nod your head to it, you don’t say hey every once and awhile it may pop out and say hey to your body in other ways. Maybe a big pimple on your chin with surface, perhaps you’ll begin to get headaches or your nails will begin to be weak and crack. Who knows, every body is different, every fear is different—but, apparently not acknowledging this fear isn’t so good for your health.

I’m writing this blog post full of fear. Fear for my health: both physically and mentally I have been shaken. It sounds stupid, it sounds really kind of lame but I have been unable to run for three days. I want to run today—but I won’t. I don’t even want to be writing this because it makes the situation more real. I’m nodding my head at pain and giving in, instead of ignoring the snake on the porch and walking by I am that childlike girl with a fear, jumping up and down screaming for a prince to save her from the slithering creature.

I know what happens when I am unable to have my daily endorphin high. I either eat so much that I gain weight, or I go to bed before dinner, I move my food around on my plate at lunch and I drink a lot of coffee for breakfast. I lose 5 pounds of muscle in two weeks or I gain 10 pounds, either way I cry every night. Running isn’t just about running, it’s about balance.

I have the word B A L A N C E tattooed on my ribcage to remind me that that is what is key in life—finding a balance between everything. It’s something I’ve been searching for forever, I think we all probably are. For me, running helps that. It not only keeps me healthy but it gives me a sense of accomplishment with every mile I put on my shoes, I solve the worlds problems with every lap I do, I think about things an process. It’s the reason I wake at 5am every morning; I go to bed looking forward to coffee first, then a run. Especially here in Thailand, running through the historical park has been something that has kept me from falling far down a rabbit hole of being overwhelmed and unhappy. This ‘balance keeper’ has been taken away from me and I’m scared. I’m really really scared.

 

There. I said it. It’s out in the universe, I give it to the universe and hope for some energy to have the strength to heal. Energy to have the strength to not fall into a bad place. Energy to feel good and perhaps find a replacement for the next week or two while I search deep inside myself for that balance that I usually find on the road or trail in my shoes.

 

I’m still scared. This fear, having and admitting this fear terrifies me.

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