Just a quote I came across in my book that I wanted to share:
Enjoyment lies in the searching for truth, not in finding it.
Remind in the next week or two that I posted this to re-read it. And then re-read it again. Because I tend to forget that I’m in Thailand having a once in a life time experience. I’m searching for something I’m sure will never be found–but isn’t that part of the beauty of it?
I had to remind myself that is was Christmas Day all day. Even though my morning started at 5:02am, just like many Christmas’s of my youth, I did not open stockings, I didn’t walk downstairs, sleepy eyed and groggy to see a mountain of gifts beneath the tree my family decorated. I woke up at my normal time and did my normal routine—coffee, small breakfast, yoga, dressed and walked to school.
My roommate and I were asked to dress as Santa and his helper and pass out candy to the Thai kids who think Christmas is no more than children getting presents and Santa riding a sleigh—oh wait…This is how Christmas in Thailand began.
Most of my kids that I teach on Tuesdays were spending the week at a Buddhist Temple getting education on meditation, Buddha, dangers of social media, history, The King, healthy living—everything you can imagine. They were asked to wear all white and spend Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday observing and learning. I was a bit jealous.
My boss, Kim, invited me to join her at the Temple for lunch and observation. Walking into a big room, meditation mats on the floor, a Buddha shrine in the front we were welcomed by a smiling monk and soon the children filed in, silently and respectfully. They sat, prayed and waited patiently for the speaker to begin her lesson on online gaming and the dangerous effects it has on the mind.
After a modest lunch and weird dessert, my new friend Oho (pronounced OhO, a dipping sound—start high, go low, end high again. I like to just call him Oh!) offered to walk the grounds with me. Oh is a student hoping to obtain his Doctorate degree in the next year, I told him to practice his English on me and we talked quietly about ourselves, asking questions and getting to know one another as we enjoyed the Temple property.
It was quiet there. We often take quiet for granted without realizing it. Until I was at the Temple I hadn’t realized how noisy my home is; even right now at 5:27am there is a motorbike starting, a rooster crowing and the noise of the street that is close by. At the Temple it was silent and so effortlessly peaceful.
Oh and I stopped at a shrine, knelt, and he told me that this is the Buddha you pray to for wealth, money, and success, he told me to pray if I wished. I prayed. I prayed hard. I prayed for a wealth of strength and personal success in accomplishing goals I am setting for myself. I prayed for help. No one likes asking for help but Buddha was offering it to me on Christmas day so I prayed to Buddha.
Oh watched me. I’m sure he noticed my discomfort and my lack of knowing what to do. He told me to slow down when I bow (three times when you come, three times when you go) he taught me take that moment slower, showed me where to put my hands, he told me to breathe. We talked about the difficulties of meditation. I told him my difficulties with religion in the past and then asked me how I felt with Buddha. Connected I said. Welcomed. He smiled and offered his knowledge to me any time.
We continued walking, talking and overcoming the language barrier. I again, reminded myself it was Christmas afternoon and I was wandering a Temple with a practicing Buddhist. Happy that I missed the crazy shoppers from my retail days, smiling that I didn’t have any obligations to fill, or meals to help clean up after. Reminding myself that it was Christmas and I was around the world in a Buddhist Temple.
I hope my loved ones had a wonderful, stress free Christmas season. I hope they were able to breathe and enjoy the moment. I hope they enjoyed one another’s company and appreciated the quiet that a snowfall brings.
Kim, Oho and I at the Temple
While riding my motorbike I often tell myself that I am fearless. I am not afraid of anything. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want and I am not scared. Fear will not take over my body when I see a spider, snake or stand on the edge of a cliff. I can generally logically talk myself out of that fear and walk by ignoring the creature or jump off that cliff.
People are saying that fear, discomfort, manifest themselves in other places. If you don’t nod your head to it, you don’t say hey every once and awhile it may pop out and say hey to your body in other ways. Maybe a big pimple on your chin with surface, perhaps you’ll begin to get headaches or your nails will begin to be weak and crack. Who knows, every body is different, every fear is different—but, apparently not acknowledging this fear isn’t so good for your health.
I’m writing this blog post full of fear. Fear for my health: both physically and mentally I have been shaken. It sounds stupid, it sounds really kind of lame but I have been unable to run for three days. I want to run today—but I won’t. I don’t even want to be writing this because it makes the situation more real. I’m nodding my head at pain and giving in, instead of ignoring the snake on the porch and walking by I am that childlike girl with a fear, jumping up and down screaming for a prince to save her from the slithering creature.
I know what happens when I am unable to have my daily endorphin high. I either eat so much that I gain weight, or I go to bed before dinner, I move my food around on my plate at lunch and I drink a lot of coffee for breakfast. I lose 5 pounds of muscle in two weeks or I gain 10 pounds, either way I cry every night. Running isn’t just about running, it’s about balance.
I have the word B A L A N C E tattooed on my ribcage to remind me that that is what is key in life—finding a balance between everything. It’s something I’ve been searching for forever, I think we all probably are. For me, running helps that. It not only keeps me healthy but it gives me a sense of accomplishment with every mile I put on my shoes, I solve the worlds problems with every lap I do, I think about things an process. It’s the reason I wake at 5am every morning; I go to bed looking forward to coffee first, then a run. Especially here in Thailand, running through the historical park has been something that has kept me from falling far down a rabbit hole of being overwhelmed and unhappy. This ‘balance keeper’ has been taken away from me and I’m scared. I’m really really scared.
There. I said it. It’s out in the universe, I give it to the universe and hope for some energy to have the strength to heal. Energy to have the strength to not fall into a bad place. Energy to feel good and perhaps find a replacement for the next week or two while I search deep inside myself for that balance that I usually find on the road or trail in my shoes.
I’m still scared. This fear, having and admitting this fear terrifies me.
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