The Inside is What Counts

A couple days a week my alarm goes off at 4:02 am. Honestly, it usually scares the shit out of me and all I want to do is throw my phone against the wall and curl back up and fall back asleep. But 4/5 times I don’t. I have a conversation with myself that goes something like this:

Go back to sleep, now. Really. Do it. 

No, no, no. 

Do it. That extra 35 minutes will make a huge difference in your day!

But will it really? I don’t think it will.  Get your booty up!

SLEEEEEEEEP. 

Nope, you’ll be so mad at yourself. Get your ass up, brush those teeth and go. 

And then generally, I get up. A little mad at that voice still, but I go. I go to work 40 minutes early and I get my work out in. (I usually snap about it @sloanderr) with a pic of myself, not so happy and whatever time it is, usually 4:43am.

 

I am a huge proponent of finding your own intrinsic motivation. What does that mean? It means being able do something because you’re motivated by how it will make you feel, not by some sort of external reward dangling in front of you. Another, non fitness, example–for me, this blog. I’m both intrinsically AND extrinsically motivated.

Intrinsic: I do it because I love writing, I love teaching and I the feeling of accomplishment I get when I finish a post. It’s really uplifting and I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

Extrinsic: I love seeing the ‘views’ number go up. I love comments, I love getting ‘likes’ and responses. Engagement is huge (hint hint…)

Trust me: if I was ONLY extrinsically motivated for writing, I would fall short most times I post. My followers are growing, but it’s happening very very very slowly and that can be frustrating in this day and age–we all want immediate gratification, right? But I enjoy the process and hope that eventually others will enjoy my site as much as I enjoy the process of it.

Let’s bring this all together–if you can hone in and develop your intrinsic motivation, it will make not hitting the snooze button a lot easier. Try to start listening to that little, tiny, quiet voice that is egging you on to get up and get moving. That voice that mentions maybe you don’t need that second cookie. Maybe it’s a voice suggesting you need help. Try to listen and see if there is any internal reward by listening. I trust that when you start doing this, that voice will get louder and clearer. I can help you find that voice, if you let me.

When you start to listen, start to pay attention to how you feel inside. Fitness and healthy habits really start by acknowledging the internal feels, and then you start to see the external results. Eventually, all of this stuff becomes habit–

…unless it’s 4am…I’m not sure if you ever get used to that.

 

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early-morning-workout

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Where Have I Been?

Seriously. I’ve been uninspired and struggling with creativity and lack of motivation. Where have I been? In a hole, in a chair, on the phone, in bed, lost in Nextflix and Facebook worlds. I spent the winter sitting behind a computer making cold calls trying to sell tickets to the Sr. PGA Golf Tournament. I spent time with people who love the game, love what they’re doing and are passionate about their jobs–that was inspirational.  I wasn’t feeling like I was in my element. I spent a lot of time being jealous and anxious wanting something that I don’t have. I spent too much time looking at pictures on Facebook and InstaGram being incredibly jealous and upset that I was not climbing mountains, drinking that fabulous cocktail, meeting that famous person… I struggle daily to find my path.

“Jealousy consumeth the body and anger doth burn the liver. Avoid these two as you would a lion.” BAHA’U’LLAH

I still don’t know what path I’m on. I still have no clue where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in a month. I know I won’t be in Michigan any more. I hope I won’t be slinging beers. Following a passion, running toward it is the path I want to take. Right now, living where I live and doing what I’m doing is not okay. It’s not inspirational or exciting. I’m going to jump soon. I’m going to jump without looking first and have a bit of faith in myself that when I land I’ll land running toward something great.  

Finding, searching, processing…being

I’m finding myself lazy. I’m finding myself unable to move. I’m finding myself paralyzed with choice, the need to make decisions and figure things out. I’m finding myself more lost than ever…I’m finding myself saying that a lot.

 

I’m also finding myself really connected to inspirational quotes and those pretty images they are posted with on facebook. I’m finding myself reading Sera Beak’s The Red Book [A deliciously unorthodox approach to igniting your divine spark] I’m finding myself not rolling my eyes as much. I’m using phrases like “I think the universe is telling me…” and being completely serious. I’m looking for clues.

 

I’m laughing at myself when I fall over in my yoga practice, or after a full body workout when I can’t get off the floor—I laugh at myself, and then I laugh at myself for laughing at myself. It’s joyful.

I also cry. I cry when I can’t decide. Then I remember to rejoice because I have decisions to make and the ability to change them. I’m finding myself giving advice but not taking any—this needs to change. I talk a lot. I want to listen more. When I listen I need to absorb. When I absorb I need to put it into action.

 

Here’s to change. Here’s to listening to what, I think, the universe might be telling me. Here’s to covering my basis and doing research. Here’s to new adventures that will move me forward. Here’s to being scared, nervous, and afraid—here’s to relishing in life and being alive!

 

[more to come—processing]

 

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