I Beat Myself Up for Beating Myself UP

All I can think about lately is how bad I am at this meditation thing. While I’m meditating I’m thinking about how I’m glad I’m doing it, how I get to send my little group a “done!” text, and that hopefully with time I’ll be the meditation guru that I’ve hoped I would become. I try to remember to pay attention to what I’m doing, like Andy says, be present when you stand. When you sit. Remembering to do this twice or even once per day is a huge success! I fail all day at that. I remember only when I sit down the next day to meditate and scream “DAMN IT! I was supposed to do that!” And then I think about how bad I continue to be at this whole ‘mindfulness thing’.

Managing Anxiety is the package I’ve chosen. Andy tells us that we have to learn to re-frame our relationship with anxiety. Instead of letting it define us, learn to work with it. (Damn, Andy sounds a lot like my old therapist…) But instead of saying “I am an anxious person”, say “I am someone that deals with anxiety”. Don’t let it own you, you are not anxiety.

During my meditations I beat myself up, a lot. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up–it’s a terrible vicious circle and it doesn’t really seem to work. But I continue to do it, I continue to try and learn and take these lessons to heart, and I guess by writing about it I want you guys to know that a little bit can and does help.

I’ve started to notice a few things:
-after a long day at work I had plans. Plans that involved a sick kid, decorating a Christmas tree, and whatever else goes along with that. But I NEEDED a minute before going from smiling barista, to smiling girlfriend… So I laid on my couch, boots, jacket, scarf, and hat all still on and I laid there and took like 20 deep breaths. Those few moments were for ME. Well, and for them because without those moments I think I would have snapped, gotten mad, or annoyed.
-often times at my retail job we have less than pleasant customers; I have yet to beat anyone up, yell at them back, or walk out on my shift–I’ll attribute some of that to meditation, some to my amazing ability to hold myself back from stupidity.
-I ran long and hard yesterday… my 4 mile trail run turned into almost 9 miles of bushwhacking and being lost in the woods. I was going to go run, lift, or both this morning–however, my body HURTS. So instead I did some slow moving, deep stretching yoga. That in itself was a meditation.

Anyway, long story short–meditation is never perfect. It’s not stopped me from wanting to drop kick the puppy that lives in the apartment below me…(I haven’t and I WON’T–but the barking, so much barking…) But it is helping in some small, slow ways. And for that alone I’m going to keep it up.

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Here’s a photo before I realized what kind of adventure I was going to end up on… It’s called Top of the World and that is our beautiful Lake Superior there!

Writing

I write best when I’m lying in bed trying to sleep.
Or taking a shower.
Or when I’m having a conversation with… anyone really. I loose my attention, I zone out, form witty, funny sentences that I imagine my 10s of readers will enjoy.

And then I sit down to write. And it’s gone, it’s lost and forgotten. It will probably never return again, until I’m slightly buzzed and drifting off to sleep. Sometimes when I’m shaving my legs I make myself laugh with how hilarious I am. I rinse still thinking about it, towel off and put on lotion–my hands still slick with Lubraderm I sit to write it down and BOOM, it’s gone. Just like that. Out of my head, left me to go find someone who will take this thing more seriously.

Take this thing more seriously… I suppose I should get a waterproof notebook, one I can keep in my pocket at all times. Though, I rarely have pockets, I wear a lot of leggings and athletic pants. And have you SEEN the pockets on women’s jeans?! PLEASE! They hardly hold a nickle let alone my favorite Moleskin journal! And what pocket are we talking about if I’m in the shower… get outta there!

Okay. Time to get distracted so maybe I can focus on writing more.

I Said I’d Write

I said I’d write.

But so many things have been bouncing around in my head that I keep telling myself that I just can’t seem to focus…

-I need new tires. Well, only two new tires, the front ones are what they say are ‘bald’. My boyfriend is bald, but I guess a bald head is better than bald tires.
-Tires are expensive. I should find the cheapest, but still quality, tires and just get them. Everyone has an opinion, “Go to Terri Tire, ask for Karl, tell him Artie sent you–get the Kelly tires. He’ll get you a deal”. “No, no, no. Walmarts will have the best deal, go there.” I know Walmart isn’t plural, the boys at the coffee shop would beg to differ.
-I don’t want to shop at Walmart, but I might have to. Cheaper tires from Walmart are cheaper and safer than bald tires sliding through the Main St. light.
-Family.
-Moving. Joining. Embracing and moving forward. (I know, vague, right?! It’s vague in my head, too)
-School.
-Chicken! I made a garlic/herb butter and slathered that shit all up under her skin. She’s currently in the oven, has been for almost an hour; another 30 minutes and she’ll be crispy, tender, and hopefully delicious.
-She’ll come out of the oven, maybe I should crawl in. It’s so warm and the UP is so cold.
-Bald boyfriend is building me a head board. (smile emoji)
-A bathtub would probably be the better option to be warm, instead of crawling into the oven. A saner option at least. Alas, I do not have one.
-School. Oof. School. “What’s your goal with going back to school?” Honestly, I just want to be smarter, I want to study, I want to care about something again. Stop asking me, leave me alone, you don’t think I don’t ask myself these things??

…just the tip for you tonight.

xx