Finding, searching, processing…being

I’m finding myself lazy. I’m finding myself unable to move. I’m finding myself paralyzed with choice, the need to make decisions and figure things out. I’m finding myself more lost than ever…I’m finding myself saying that a lot.

 

I’m also finding myself really connected to inspirational quotes and those pretty images they are posted with on facebook. I’m finding myself reading Sera Beak’s The Red Book [A deliciously unorthodox approach to igniting your divine spark] I’m finding myself not rolling my eyes as much. I’m using phrases like “I think the universe is telling me…” and being completely serious. I’m looking for clues.

 

I’m laughing at myself when I fall over in my yoga practice, or after a full body workout when I can’t get off the floor—I laugh at myself, and then I laugh at myself for laughing at myself. It’s joyful.

I also cry. I cry when I can’t decide. Then I remember to rejoice because I have decisions to make and the ability to change them. I’m finding myself giving advice but not taking any—this needs to change. I talk a lot. I want to listen more. When I listen I need to absorb. When I absorb I need to put it into action.

 

Here’s to change. Here’s to listening to what, I think, the universe might be telling me. Here’s to covering my basis and doing research. Here’s to new adventures that will move me forward. Here’s to being scared, nervous, and afraid—here’s to relishing in life and being alive!

 

[more to come—processing]

 

Image

Called Out

A mind shift. An attitude change. A complete 180, if you will. I got smacked in the face and called out this week. Not only by my Mother, (who, respectfully has that job) but by a new friend of mine too. They both called me out (each in their own way) on my negative attitude. Which made me stop and really think for a few moments. [by a few moments I mean a night of bad sleep and a long run and multiple TEDtalks later…] I realized I had to change it. I decided, yes, I made a very conscious decision to change my attitude. And it’s been a conscious effort to maintain it too.

I was giving all the credit of my bad attitude to this being hard, instead of me not trying. I am now 100% making an effort to be happier, to be more positive, to stop getting down on myself and to quit living the romantsized version of Hollywood self-deprecation. How do I expect other people to love me if I have a bad outlook on myself and verbalize it constantly? Down with negativity!

So in effort to change this I am down playing the negative self-talk, I’m slowing down. I am taking more time to read, more time to teach a lesson, more time on yoga, more time on writing—these endeavors are already making a huge difference in my life. Seemingly small changes are making me realize the beauty of where I am and what I’m doing. I am smiling more, I am appreciating every hug the children give me, every kindness the Thai people offer—I’m finally living closer to the now instead of the when.

…take a day, take an hour, to cut one negative thing out of your vocabulary, look in the mirror and smile, say I am awesome once a day—see what happens.

Kids

Kids

Lighting my Loi Krathrong and making a wish

Lighting my Loi Krathrong and making a wish

Create By Watching Creativity

The music, the beat, the sounds; it moves them. They groove to it, they move their body in the way they’re supposed to, in sync with the woman wearing a costume the same as theirs, holding the prop, smiling at the audience—these are performers doing what they do best. They do this all while sending the message of love, compassion and unity.

Damn. I think. I have no beat and no rhythm. This art form that they believe in, not just believe in the end product, but believe in the process too. Hours of preparation, hours of costuming, chorography, planning, practicing—all leading up to their moment on stage to shine!

One solo performer, Cornflower, felt his music. You could see it flow up his spine and out his dread locked hair. His unique style moved me, made me tap my foot, inspired me to close my eyes and let it drip down my body until I was moving my body. Sitting in the grass his words of love and compassion floated in the air and touched every person in the audience. This gift, this awareness of music and power and beauty was inspirational through my entire body. My body wanted to move, my hands wanted to make art, my mind wanted to write a story.

Inspiration leads to more inspiration, right? I mean, that’s what a so-called muse is for. People feed off of one another, we learn from each other and eventually create something new from something we’ve seen, heard or felt. We steal from one another only to rebirth and re-gift it in a new form.

Earlier that day I spent time with a pretty centered acupuncturist who truly thrives on what he does. I’m always curious how healers and therapists separate themselves from the hurt and pain they hear from their clients; this man says that he must learn to not absorb the pain but work to help them work through it. Find the route of the issue, whether that is emotional stress manifesting in physical pain or vise versa, and treat it, using the skills he has.

Creativity is pretty powerful. The creative soul, the art created, the music, the mood, the motion—we all thrive and are inspired some how. Watching art makes me want to create art, talking with people who are passionate and sure of what they’re doing make me want to continue on my journey to finding what truly makes me tick, what can I do that will inspire this in someone else? What movement, what form of expression is next? I hope this performance stays with me long enough to create something else and in hopes inspire someone else to create or feel what I felt as I watched passion explode on stage.