That Bullshit, Non-Existent, Right Time

Come on Sloan, get your shit together. 

I’ve avoided wordpress for some time now. I haven’t completely avoided writing, or speaking, or life, I’ve just avoided this particular site due to wanting to do it right. You would think that I’d have learned by now, there is no RIGHT way to do things. Things aren’t just going to happen, We have to work for them. And right never really comes. If we can do something perfectly the first time, why bother?

I worked hard on a couple essays last month and actually read them. In front of people. Those hours I spent in front of the screen prove that work pays off, I didn’t wait to work, I just did it. We get applause and encouragement when we make that effort and not only that, we get results.

Right now I’ve started back in school. I did school once, graduated with a BA, learned some stuff, had a few jobs, learned what I DON’T want. This school is not traditional school, not at a college or university. I’m spending the next six months (minus 2 weeks) in the basement of a big office building, in the gym. These past two weeks I have learned what the Rectus Abdominus is, and what a joint action is and which direction they go with what movement.

I finally pulled the trigger to learn how to be a personal trainer. I have wanted to do this for close to eight years. When I look back at myself eight years ago I was in college, I was running 30 miles a week, I looked fit and healthy. Probably weighed a few dozen pounds less than I do now. Why didn’t I do it then? Fear, lack of confidence and knowing I wasn’t practicing what I would be preaching…

Why am I doing it now??! Not because I had an epiphany, not because the time is right. my life has never really lacked direction–it’s always pointed me in the ways of: Writing, Travel, Fitness, Education, a direction I just didn’t really know how to harness. A direction that I lacked confidence in.

I’m not skinny. I USED to be, I USED to be REALLY skinny. Well, kinda too skinny thinking back. So skinny that I was proud of myself on days that I was under my allotted 900 calorie goal. PROUD of starvation. Gross. I knew I was doing it wrong but I got results, as a former fat-girl every pound lost was a victory. This was not the mentality of a successful trainer and I knew that. So I held off.

As years and pounds added up I wanted to wait until it was the ‘right time’. When I could fit back into those smaller jeans, when I could run a faster mile, and like the reflection a bitmore–those goals haven’t happened and I finally decided that I was sick of waiting for that bullshit, non-existent, right time. The time is now.

I’m not skinny, but I’m healthy. I’m healthy and excited about making other people healthy and excited. Honestly, my body confidence is low right now, but in the past two weeks I’m learning, I’m studying, I took a test today and I think (I HOPE) I did well. I’m going through a program that is going to boost my knowledge and by having that knowledge I can only imagine that my confidence will grow.

What’s held you back? What propelled you forward when you knew you needed to make that move? Where are you now?

The Death Of Joy

Someone posted a quote on Instagram a while ago about ‘comparison’. It went something like: “Comparison is the death of joy.” These words cannot ring truer to myself and probably most women and I imagine most men too. I guess everyone can probably be included. Comparing ourselves to someone else will kill what joy you have in your life.

I believe that when we compare it’s not only going to lead us to seeing the differences it’s going to lead us to other negative emotions. What do I mean? What do I compare myself to and how does that make me react? I am the queen of comparing myself to others, I, and I’m sure many others, do it unconsciously and therefore it’s really hard to try and stop.

My list of evil comparisons:
-Body type. (I’m not thin enough, strong enough, fit enough. My legs are too short, my boobs too small, my waist isn’t as defined as her waist.)
-Creativity. (SHE’S a way better writer than me.)
-Productivity. (WOW, my roommates get so much more done in a day than I do.)
-Hair. (I wish I could pull off bangs.)
-Teeth. (Better buy me some whitening strips.)
-Style. (Damn, why can’t I dress like THAT.)
-Relationship status. (Being single is only cool for so long… let’s get real, EVERYONE on Facebook is getting engaged.)
-Travel. (Sorry, hiding you from my newsfeed. Pictures of you eating naan and mediating in the desert are making me jealous.)

Jealous. Shit.

For me, that’s what comparison comes down to. Jealousy. And where does jealousy get us in the long run? I can stare at the stylish chick across the street wishing I had her boots, perfect hair and not even notice myself rear ending the 1972 mint condition VW Beetle until I’m whiplashed and hoping the owner didn’t notice… and then I’m jealous of whom ever is driving that car… it’s vicious cycle.

Then my Jealousy wonders… is someone jealous of ME? “Nooooooooo… Don’t be silly”, she says, “your hair is frizzy, your butt is huge and you’re living la vida single… come on…”

Isn’t Jealousy’s worst enemy is Confidence? Confidence is big and tall and has shoulders that likes to push negativity out of the way. She doesn’t need to argue with Jealousy because she knows that she’s wrong and knows that comparing is evil and only leads to depressed nights on the couch ‘should-ing’ herself until it’s time to go to bed. Confidence will dance her way around the kitchen eating something that nourishes her body and doesn’t give a second thought to the serving size because she worked hard today and her body is telling her what she needs.

Some how, in a parallel universe I think that Jealousy and Confidence can play together. They can sit at the bar and enjoy each other’s company. Jealousy can bring ideas, wants and needs to the table. She can bring to head the fact that, yeah, maybe something needs to change. Confidence can show her how to make those changes. She can be the movement and motivation to turn what Jealousy is saying and throw a positive twist on it–making Jealousy believe in herself.

Maybe your hair isn’t just frizzy, it’s fun and wild! And girl, that booty is something the boys TALK about. And give us a break, being single is great–at least you’re not lost in some dead end relationship or married unhappily. EMBRACE IT.

So, instead of comparing, let’s embrace. Let’s utilize our differences and build one another up to create a world of Confidnces and Jealousys that can work together to be amazing.