You Yell In Your Head A Lot

That day at work, the one that is so mind numbingly boring where you can’t even remember what you talk about. You sit and stare, you cross and un-cross your legs to keep your ankles from going numb. That day where you know you’re not going to want to go home right away so you make plans with an old friend, you find a new bar and you plant your ass on a stool for a few beers and talk.

You talk and the shit that comes out of your mouth sometimes makes you realize that, in this moment, your voice is unrecognizable. You’re half way through your first 8% beer and you realize the bar now looks blurry, only because you’re looking through saltwater and your friend pats your right shoulder.

Looking down, your left knee is supported by the bar while your right ankle crosses over it, you look over and your bearded friend, a friend from years ago, that is only ten years younger that your father, and his legs are crossed the same way.

For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been like a strong, proud, black woman. He says, lifting his hand off your shoulder, complimenting you. He begins to share his stories about his relationship, because you decide to get another beer and change the subject to him. You want to stop looking through saltwater and getting the focus off you will help that.

The bar fills up as you realize the coffee stout you ordered is actually good. After years of loving coffee and loving beer and hating the two combined, this brewery does it–it goes down easy, lights you up with a buzz and mellows you out with a different buzz. The conversation continues onto beers, breweries, brewers and bars.

He compartmentalizes your life by drawing circles and squares on the bar top with his fingers, connecting them with imaginary lines and arrows, showing how they all really are connected–see, if things are good here, they have the potential to be better HERE, he taps hard on the upper right circle,

Meanwhile, you use your thumbnail to pick the coaster and to avoid eye contact, you’ve been refused coaster use in bars you regulared at in the past but the tender doesn’t notice you tonight. You blink back, close your eyes a moment and return to making scraps that he’ll later have to clean up and throw away–you’ve worked at bars and know how annoying it is to clean up other peoples messes.

The four compartments are all different, yet work together, if you create balance, you equal a happy, healthy life. Who can juggle balance? Where does this come from? WHERE, HOW?! You yell in your head, you yell in your head a lot.

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Updates

So I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve hidden big parts of my life from the blog-o-world and that I just have failed at being at all consistent. I love writing, I love posting on here and connecting with people. So my new goal is to take the time to post once a week. I’ll pick a day soon and make that my day to write and post and keep myself accountable. For this post I’m going to list and elaborate on a few areas of my life and what is happening in them.

First off: I am enrolled in school! I am half way through a 6 month Personal Training program. The goal is to be fully certified and employed by the end of October! I love it. I love working out, I love motivating people and spending time with them. It’s not just about lifting heavy things. It’s a connection to your body, mind and spirit  Each time I begin to wonder if I’ve made the right decision something happens to remind me that this is where I should be. That where my values and goals line up have pushed me to be here and doing this–I may not be the thinnest, fasted, or strongest but I damn well work hard and want to help others help themselves.

Second: Umm, I have a boyfriend… for those of you who know me you know that I generally don’t stick around long enough to formulate a tight bond with lots of people, we’re six months strong and having all the fun. We leave for a trip to Alaska in three weeks and I can’t wait! I’m hoping this trip will scratch my need for travel for a bit longer. My soul is in need of some nature and a 6 day trip to the 49th state will be incredible.

Thirdly: Holy shit I’ve lived in Chicago for ALMOST a year! Whoa… Weird… that’s a new adventure all on it’s own–I’m going to go right ahead and pat myself on the back for not moving when things got hard. I’m not saying I want to be here FOREVER, but it’s good for the right now.

Here’s a few things I’m loving about Chicago:
-Bike commuting
-My urban garden
-Opportunities (being in school is possible, taking a writing class, all the people to meet!…)
-Day drinking on patios
-Public transportation
-The weirdos I meet daily (Everyday I walk by a guy with a lampshade on his head saying “Lighten up, have a good day!)
-The sunsets
-Being near a big airport
-Bike commuting… did I say that? I just really love riding my bike in the city, then also riding my bike 20 miles South of the city.

Well. There ya go. A super boring post, but now with my readers caught up on my life I feel like I can be on even playing grounds to start writing about what is super current. Can’t wait!

Bike riding!

About 20 miles south of the city

Biking!

Biking!

Harvest

Harvest from my garden

Hiking

The boyfriend

There’s Gotta Be More

I had an entire post written. Then I deleted it because, well, it was pathetic and self depreciating and no on wants to hear that.

I found myself journal-ing about not really having the desire to seek out new things. Not having the desire to have ‘life altering conversations’. I do have them, few and far between, usually via text to a friend in Oregon or Pennsylvania or Colorado. Conversations about fear, desires, dreams: I used to have over a coffee, or a beer, or after too many beers. These are good, earth shattering conversations. Ones that are meant to change the world, change my life, or change the life of someone else.

Now most of conversations consist of topics like: beer, farm to table food, the proper form to do a lateral pull down. Running. How bad the winter sucks in Chicago. How bad the CTA sucks in Chicago. How we can’t wait for summer. Day drinking on patios.  All legit conversations to have, but pretty easy and unremarkable. Though Chicago does have some really great patios to drink on…

But wait. Wait wait wait. What I can’t figure out is if have changed or gotten lazy. Or if I don’t have the people around me to have these convos with. OR everyone around me actually has their shit so together that they don’t crave conversations about life, energy, love, nature… I do believe that I’ve changed, changed in the sense that I recognized my need to stop running away from what ever it is I run from. But that recognition shouldn’t hinder me from exploration connections. Is this what getting old is like?

[Side note, I’m in Chicago another year guys… this’ll be a record for me]

But I do think we need to go back to conversations about more than just patio drinking and money. I dream of traveling. I dream of being successful and stable. I dream of doing more than just going through the motions.

I guess that’s what life feels like at the moment. Just going through the motions.

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