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Shoulding–We All Do It

/ Sloan / 4 Comments

Okay. I know is just wrote a post about slowing down, taking in each moment and enjoying where I am while I’m living it. But after much thought and meditating on it I think I’ve found the source of why I have a hard time staying where I am and being able to enjoy that particular moment. GUILT.

Dictionary.com defines guilt:

Guilt:

noun

1.

the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.

2.

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.  

 

Or a more reliable source, UrbanDictionary.com:

Guilt:

An unfortunate side effect that results from being overly exposed to morality.

I believe that my guilt stems from a syndrome that my friend has named I-should-be-doing-something-more-productive-than-this syndrome. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a pretty lazy person. I love to and often do sit around, drink coffee and read or watch a movie: but in the back of my mind I’m thinking: I should clean my room, I should have done a harder workout, I should write a blog post, I should go for another run, I should be reading about Buddhism instead of this novel, I should I should I should…

 

I should all over myself every damn day. I propose that we all stop shoulding on ourselves. Or at least I’m going to try and stop, you can do what you want, maybe you don’t have this problem and you can tell me your secret. Shoulding is messy, it’s pointless and it doesn’t help anyone with anything. And who’s to say that what I am doing isn’t what I should be doing?

I tend to think of relaxation, non-educational books, general hanging out as a crime of some sort. It somehow, in my 26 years of living, has been defined and ingrained in me as something I think is morally wrong. That itself is so wrong—learning to relax is going to be key in enjoying the next two months of travel.

I’m buckling up, slowing down and telling guilt to shut the hell up and go away. Got any good book suggestions?

Haha

Hehehe

Buckle Back Up

/ Sloan / 2 Comments

When I was a kid, okay, far into my teenage years, I went to summer camp. YMCA Camp Jewel: Ranch Camp for two weeks with my best friend, Kallie, whom I’ve known since I was four. She’s one of those friends that I don’t remember not knowing—just for that reason alone she’s a keeper. But she’s pretty funny, weird and goofy too, so it works out well.

            Anyway, every year her Mom would drive us to the first day of camp and would slow the car wayyyy down so we could read the signs as we approached the entrance:

 

“Slow down”

“You’re moving way to fast”

“We’ve got to make”

“These moments last.”

 

Each line was on a different sign that was separated by about 30 feet. Kallie and I would literally be unbuckled trying to scoot the car faster so we could meet our councilor, bunkmates, and our horse for the next two weeks. (Mind you, we were really cool 15 year-olds.) Her Mom would be creeping along, going on and on about the signs, and how these next two weeks are going to “fly by,” blah blah blah get us to summer camp freedom!!

I get it now. I still find myself on the edge of my seat trying to scoot myself through to the next adventure, but now I’m consciously telling myself to slow [the effffff] down. I could get even more cliché and remind you (while reminding myself,) that “Life is a journey not a destination.” but that would be lame and predictable and typical expat-traveler talk.

As I wrap up my time in Kamphang Phet, Thailand and embark on a solo backpacking trip through Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia I’m scared that I’m going to rush through it. That I’m going to be riding a motorbike up a mountain and be wondering what the beach is going to look like next week. Or be lying on the beach and thinking about my friends that I cannot wait to see when I land in Oregon in May—

My goal, my one and only goal for traveling these upcoming months is to slow down. I can talk a good talk about doing this, but I know that I will struggle. I know that this idea of taking it all in, not looking so far ahead that I forget where I am, is going to be extremely difficult for me. But this is a challenge that I’ve put myself in and will learn to sit back in my seat and read each sign, sing the song, look at the mountains and notice the sand between my toes.

I’m A Little Bird

/ Sloan / 1 Comment

Since I have been recovering from a nearly death crippling illness (I might be exaggerating) I have been walking around the park. Yes, walking. It’s actually quite embarrassing, I went from running for hours in circles around the park just a month ago, now walking. Please, don’t get me wrong, walking is awesome exercise and there is nothing wrong with it; but I enjoy running. I feel weird wearing my running shoes and not running.

 

I won’t be modest here—I’m kinda famous at the Kamphaeng Phet historical park. The guards at the front know me, they often see me twice a day, once at 6am when it’s still dark out and my half asleep ass stumbles in to get a lap or two in; and then again at 5pm after work for a few more. I hate showering, but when I’m showering twice a day due to running it’s okay.

 

 While on my walks this week I always smile at the other walkers, I curse the runners because that’s what I want to be doing and I’m jealous! (being sick left me knocked on my ass for 4 days, I’m now trying to get rid of a hacking cough that is really super attractive.) Every evening I see a group of men that are completely decked out in nice running gear, split shorts, singlets, and run at an even pace chatting away (I can only assuming they are talking about running, because that’s what runners talk about.)

 

Yesterday we passed paths, they gave a shout and smiled! Before I knew it I could hear the group behind me, they had met their turn around point and were headed back. I kept on with my slow and steady walk (I wouldn’t even call it a power walk, more like a I wish I was running but this is all I can do, better have good posture walk.) As the group approached behind me they didn’t all move to one side like I expected them to. They surrounded me, they scooped me up in their wake and my legs began to run!

            I imagined this is what it’s like stray for birds during migration. They draft off one another, using each others energy and force to continue moving forward. Well, these men had picked me up and began asking questions in broken English, “What is name?” “Why are you in Thailand love Thailand?” As we conversed they pointed to each other and gave thumbs ups, “Fast man!!”

            My cough surfaced and I heard them whisper “Oooh, mai sabai” she doesn’t feel well. When they turned to check on me I gave a thumbs up and kept moving. As we approached the gate then men slowed and turned to a walk high fiving and wai-ing one another. I thanked them and continued home with a bit of a skip in my step—some Thaicouragment was what I needed to get moving again. A running community is the same anywhere, just run, laugh, and smile and maybe talk a little shop and it’ll get you swooped up, even it if is only for half a mile.

 

Off into the sunset

Off into the sunset