I met a kind soul on my flight back from Denver yesterday. He introduced himself at 5:35am as “your seat buddy,” then later as Greg. His scraggly hair peaked out from under his flat billed skater hat, acne speckled his chin and he sipped a McDonald’s smoothie while he offered to hold my soy latte as I got situated in the dreaded middle seat on Spirit airlines flight.
We shared stories about our trips to Colorado as the flight attendants reminded us how to buckle our safety belts and where the exits are in case of emergency. I learned that Greg has dreams of bridging the gap of those awkward computer geek type and the saavy businessmen, “I’m good with both,” he says, “I want to do IT but bring my social skills to the game.” While telling me this he devoirs an Egg McMuffin. He asks why I was in Denver, what I do in Chicago–he was fascinated by my stories of travel and how I’ve ended up where I am now. He listen intently until the person across the aisle sneezes, “bless you,” he says with out missing a beat then continues asking me questions and answering mine.
As our bodies remember that we had to wake up at 4am to make the six o’clock flight our conversation wanes. The captain announces that we’ve reached 35,000 feet and Greg offers me a headphone with softly playing music pumping through–the band reminds me of high school. A band I’ve literally listened to for a decade and a half. We both nod in and out of sleep for an hour and wake to notice the sunrise happening above the clouds near the heavens.
We chat more, about the music, about the sunrise, about how I’m turning 28 next week and how he hates living the in the suburbs–he shares that he knows he needs to finish school and stay home to help his mother who has fallen ill in the last year.
As the plane lands we acknowledge we survived. “I never get this tight with people on an airplane. It was a pleasure meeting you Sloan.” He hands me his cell phone to put my number in to “Ya know, grab a drink in the city sometime.”
“For sure,” I say as I hand him back the phone.
Author: Sloan
shutupshutupshutup
I’ve been mean lately. Like, nasty, snarky and rude. The person on the other end of my meanness should probably unfriend me on Facebook and basically cut me out of her life. The things that have popped up and have been communicated are hard to hear, probably not true and borderline insane.
I can’t, however, unfriend myself. I can’t turn and walk away from my inner voice. I can’t yell and scream and tell her to “SHUT UP” and expect it to stop. My brain, my inner voice and inner self talk has been crude and awful for the past week.
You’re so anti-social.
You should have gone for a longer run.
Why did you eat that?
What are you doing with your life?
How are you paying rent this month?
You’re really not good at anything, just quit.
Why are you like her?
I sit here and type some of the things that run through my head, think other things and can’t bring myself to share everything. It’s that bad.
SHUT UP.
Doesn’t work. Damnit. I’m truly, in general, a happy person here in Chicago. Happier than I have been in the past, but this voice… who is she and how do we silence her? Sometimes I go for a run and listen to her, try and reason and argue. Other times I convince people to meet me at the bar and I shut her up with a few beverages, she’s quiet while I’m surrounded by friends, but she gets angry when I’m home alone in bed–Why did you have that last glass of wine? You spent too much money. Are those people really even your friends? This voice makes me cancel Skype dates with my best friends, she pulls me down onto the couch, turns on Netflix and says “Tomorrow, tomorrow will be clearer and sunnier, and better. Tomorrow.”
Tomorrow is bullshit. What if there is no tomorrow? You can’t just turn a voice off. I’m trying to end this post on a positive note without sounding cheesy and I’m not sure how to do that. Cheese might be the only answer. Since we can’t shut our inner voices up, maybe take what they say with a grain of salt–work as hard as you have been, and also acknowledge “at least I WENT for a run today…” Being kinder to ourselves can be hard, we’re all our own worse critic and have the tendency to just be mean. So I guess it comes down to treating yourself with respect, realizing that the things that pop into my head I would NEVER say aloud to another person–so why am I treating myself like that.
Not cool Sloan, not cool.
So on that cheese filled note, a new goal is set in place for myself and I challenge you all to join, be nice. Be nice to yourself, take note and acknowledge your accomplishments as well as the path you are on. I’m writing this to pump myself up for it–it’s a daily struggle and I’m on that bus trying to be happy and live a life full of learning and moving forward. Because forward is the only way to go.
Ten Days
Ten days ago I embarked on a detox. No, not lemon water and cayenne smoothies, not some Shakeology diet bullshit–but a detox. A commitment to eat clean, cut out some of the foods that can bother your digestive system, and develop a better relationship with food in general.
The list of items I cannot eat is way shorter than the foods I can enjoy.
Do not eat:
-Grains of any kind
-Dairy (I know… for the love of cheese!)
-Fruit (Unless it’s in a smoothie in the morning, half a banana at most.)
-Artificial sweetener
-Sugar
-Red meat
-Legumes (this includes peanuts and peanut butter)
-Caffeine and booze
Eat!:
-Everything else.
I’ve been tracking my meals and snacks and exercise via My Fitness Pal, consulting with my friend/personal trainer about how much and what I should be eating, my exercise routine, my fat to carb to protein ratio–wow, this is sounding a lot harder than it really was.
In short–I’ve become conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth. Just because there is banana bread that someone made does not mean I need to try a piece of it. I’ll feel better if I don’t. The guilt of food has lessened, our relationship has grown stronger, I’ve begun cooking more and spending more time with the veggies that I’m going to consume. I won’t lie, I talk to them as I chop, sautéed and add spices. My co-worker said that cooking is like dating before you have sex. You have to really get to know the ins and the outs of the food, the nutrients. Ask: What are you going to do for me? Are you going to hurt me or help me in the long run? And the listening for an answer. Savoring each bite and really letting the food support and nurture you.
The detox ends after tonight. I’m not sure if physically anything has changed, but my peace of mind and thought process about food has definitely developed and become stronger. I will absolutely continue this way of eating–perhaps with a glass of wine or a cocktail thrown in every once and a while.
thesolesearch 